hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
