Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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