Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
