Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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