I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
