Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need to sanitize my soul.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
