Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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