she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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