He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
