Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I still have a little drunk in my system
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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