I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's blow job season.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
