Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
