Betty ford says i'm here all night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
