dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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