Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The dick lei will go down in squad history
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
