in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
