What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh god it's open bar.
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