4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
