omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
