I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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