According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
