I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
