My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
His nipple licking is glorious
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