i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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