What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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