he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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