Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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