He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
