I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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