Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
