the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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