When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
