There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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