I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
