I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
