Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
