I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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