the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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