Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
