If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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