This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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