I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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