I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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