dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
