Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You smell like stripper and shame
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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