remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
