My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
