Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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