A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize