well I can't set my house on fire every night
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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