so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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