Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We are two peas in an std pod
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
