does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
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I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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