My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How naked do you want me to be?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize