i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
