before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
