Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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