Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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